Remus Lupin and the Reliquary of Blood
by pommedeplume
Summary: (Jan 2015) "Actually, I just posted a chapter this morning for one of my fics," Remus said. Please ask, Remus thought. Don't make me do it. "Oh yeah?" Sirius said, fully turning his body, getting on his knees and laying his head over an arm on the top of the couch, looking adorably cute. (Part 2 of Series beginning with The Reclusive Hottie in the Attic) (New Edit: 08/02/2017)
1. The Reliquary of Blood

Remus Lupin smiled at his laptop screen. There were few things that gave him as much pleasure as posting an update to his Stucky fic, _Reliquary of Blood_. Nothing else he had written had really got the same response, even though there were a few other things he had written that he personally thought were better.

It was an AU set in a slightly steampunkish version of Victorian London with Bucky Barnes as vampire and Steve Rogers as a vampire hunter who is still in love with his blood drinking best friend. There was also lots of kinky bondage…. Not that Remus knew much about that on a personal level, but when you had Google at your fingertips there wasn't much you couldn't find out about in vivid detail. Plus Lily was more than happy to answer questions based on her own experiences.

When _Certified Hottie_ , Sirius Black, displayed some curiosity about reading some of Remus's fanfic Remus hadn't been thinking of _RoB_. Lily hadn't even read _RoB_! She had read everything else Remus had written but not that one. It was over one-hundred thousand words now and Stucky was of limited interest to her though she had been promising to read it. Lily's primary fandom these days seemed to be _Attack on Titan_ , though there were an assortment of other anime she was obsessed with.

Remus looked out his window. School had started back up. A few miles north James and Sirius were attending the local community college. Remus didn't really understand why a couple of guys like them would choose here of all places for college but he was too grateful to have Sirius living in the same house as him to complain.

This weekend they were supposed to watch more Marvel films, including the _Winter Soldier_. Once that happened Sirius would almost certainly ask for Remus's AO3 username and Remus would have to give it over or seem like an asshole for having recently asked to see Sirius's DeviantArt filled with his old photography. Of course, Remus had gone beyond just seeing Sirius's old photography, he had offered himself as a subject and now appeared on Sirius's DeviantArt as the most recent photograph, a picture of his face with the ocean's waves in the background.

Remus didn't normally make treks that far away from home. He liked the comfort of having four walls around him. The world was harsh and unforgiving. Home was safe, though lately home was also feeling a little crowded, even in a two-story home. James and Sirius's friend, Peter, had recently moved into the basement and seemed to have his girlfriend over a lot. They were mostly pretty quiet but a few nights before Remus had ventured into the kitchen for a late night snack only to hear some sounds emanating from the basement that made him blush and scurry out.

It was funny. Remus wasn't sure why people having sex embarrassed him. He could write about sex without shame. He didn't think anything was wrong with sex and he thought that maybe in the right situation and the right mood he might even enjoy it himself. He wondered if his embarrassment over sex was something inherent in himself or something that culture had taught him.

There was a knock at his door.

"Come in," Remus said, turning around to see the door open and his best friend's grinning face peering inside then entering.

"Hey. Saw you updated _Reliquary of Blood_!" Lily said, clutching her hands in front of her and bouncing in excitement.

"Yeah. I crossed one-hundred thousand words," Remus said with a smile.

"Congrats!" Lily said then came and sat down on his bed right next to his desk.

"Thanks," Remus said.

"Any idea how long it might be?" Lily asked.

Remus shrugged.

"I don't really have an ending in mind. I have plenty of ideas. I should introduce more characters, though. It needs more women. I mean there's Peggy but that's not really enough," Remus said with a sigh.

"I really should read it," Lily said.

"You keep saying that!" Remus said then laughed.

"I will really do it this time. I promise. Cross my heart," Lily said, making an X with a hand over her chest.

"I won't hold you to that but it would be cool if you did. I would love your thoughts… especially before Sirius reads it," Remus said, rubbing the back of his head nervously.

" _Is_ Sirius going to read it?" Lily asked, laying back on Remus's bed.

"I don't know. I can't eliminate the possibility. I mean… I want him to read my work but… _Reliquary of Blood_ is…"

"Sexy?" Lily offered.

"To say the least. Raunchy. Bloody. Sort of scandalous," Remus cringed.

"Dude, I've read some pretty scandalous shit. I've read fanfic that I needed brain bleach for," Lily said, her green eyes wide, as if she were seeing all manner of horrors in her mind causing Remus to laugh.

"I mean for me it's pretty scandalous. I mean two years ago I wouldn't even write smut but now…"

"You're a smut peddler!" Lily said with a playful grin.

"A _virgin_ smut peddler," Remus pointed out.

"Hey, you know how I feel about the concept of virginity," Lily said, frowning at Remus.

"Sorry. You know what I mean. I don't have any experience with… any of that."

"I mean, I haven't done everything _I've_ written about. Especially anything involving two characters with dicks. But I'll grant that what experiences I do have still helps. But I mean… you write about vampires and vampires aren't even real," Lily said, rolling over to face Remus.

"Yeah, but no one can read my fic and say 'Oh, you didn't portray vampires correctly!'" Remus said, crossing his arms in defiance.

Lily sighed.

"I tell you what… I'll read over the fic like _immediately_. I'll send you notes if I think there's anything you got wrong. But frankly, when it comes to dicks, I… kinda assume you know more than me, dude," Lily said.

Remus blushed and laughed in embarrassment.

"From a certain perspective," Remus admitted.

"OK. I'm gonna go read it. Right now. Maybe not all of it today but I bet I can cram it in in a few days," Lily said.

"I'm watching _the Winter Soldier_ with Sirius this weekend. I'm pretty sure he'll ask for my AO3 info then," Remus said.

"OK. I'm on it!" Lily said, then slid out of bed and came over and gave Remus a hug.

* * *

 **OMG, this fic is SO good :D**

 _Thanks. How far are you?_

 **Chapter 3. Kinda surprised there's no sexy times yet :(**

 _Guess you'll have to be patient :P_

Remus smiled at his phone. The smut didn't happen until chapter six. He'd had to coax himself into it. But it wasn't until he added the smut that the fic really started to get hits. He really had no idea the difference giving a fic an E rating made. Although, it also had a strange side effect of the rate of kudos he was receiving dropping, which he didn't really understand.

Remus's stomach grumbled. James and Sirius had gotten home a couple of hours ago. They were both probably in their rooms studying. Remus could probably safely go down to the kitchen and get food without risk of having to interact with anyone.

Quietly, he exited the attic and went downstairs only to enter the kitchen finding Sirius reaching up to a shelf too high for Remus to reach, pulling down a plate.

"Remus!" Sirius said with excitement.

"Hi," Remus replied, feeling that strange sensation he always felt when he both wanted to run away and stay and talk.

"We still on for Sunday night?" Sirius said, clutching his plate in his hands, seeming distracted from whatever he had been doing.

"Yeah."

Sirius grinned and said, "That's great."

Sirius Black was a ridiculously good looking guy. He was tall and thin with dark hair that fell upon his shoulders with a casual elegance that almost made Remus angry. He wore a white button-up shirt with generous lapels and black slacks that fit him just right. _How dare you_ , Remus thought.

"H-have you thought about any more photography?" Remus asked, remembering it was important to continue to seem interested, especially since he _was_.

"Not really. I mean… I have, but I can hardly spare a moment," Sirius said with frown.

Remus stared at the curious curve of Sirius's thin, pink lips. _How dare you_ , he thought again.

"Well, I'll leave you to whatever you were doing," Remus said, starting to leave.

"Wait. Didn't you come here for a reason?" Sirius said, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh. Yeah. Uhh. I can come back," Remus said, feeling his anxiety rising and hoping Sirius wouldn't take it personally.

"Oh. OK. Well, um… see you later, I guess," Sirius said, with a small smile.

Remus gave Sirius a smile then quickly shuffled back up to the attic, feeling embarrassed.

* * *

 **Remus check your email. I sent you some notes on RoB ;)**

 _Gotcha._

Remus yawned and slipped out of bed then popped out of the attic to the bathroom before coming back and opening his laptop. He went straight to Gmail. Lily had sent him scattered notes through to the end of chapter ten of the fic, mostly about the smut. Remus felt a little embarrassed but was also sort of excited, especially since Lily seemed to be enjoying the fic.

 **Dude, for someone who has never had sex you write some hot smut. You know your shit.**

Remus laughed. He supposed he should feel proud. He wasn't sure what value being good at writing smut held but he would take it. He gleefully typed a reply to Lily saying that he would look over the fic and make edits at places she had suggested.

Remus got so absorbed in working on _Reliquary of Blood_ that he didn't notice when it got dark. He flipped on his lamp and closed the blinds that hung over the single window in the attic. He tried to remember if he had heard James and Sirius get home. He got so focused when he was working on fic. His edits had become more extensive that he expected at first. He was going to have to work hard to be done in time for Sunday.

Not that Sirius was going to run and immediately read the fic as soon as they were done with _the Winter Soldier_. He had school the next morning. Remus tried not to imagine Sirius in class, reading _Reliquary of Blood_ while a professor lectured about some topic that didn't interest him. No, no that didn't sound anything like Sirius.

Sirius had admitted that he'd had a few problems with school growing up, at least partially inspired by James Potter during their teen years but he currently took academic pursuits very seriously. Remus was still a bit confused what Sirius's major was but he supposed it wasn't any of his business… but he still wanted to know. He wanted to know everything about Sirius and catalogue it piece by piece in his internal database of important information.

Remus checked his phone. Lily had read a few more chapters and had sent several texts in all caps in shock at some of Remus's plot twists. He chuckled and texted back a few playful mocking words.

He also had a text from Sirius:

 **Saw a girl wearing a Captain America shirt today and thought of you.**

Remus melted a little inside and fell back on his bed as he texted back.

 _Cool._

He never knew what to say. He was terrified of making a fool of himself or being too overbearing but even more afraid of seeming uninterested. He stared at his phone, desperately trying to think of something interesting he could say but nothing came to mind. He groaned and set his phone down. Better to get back to work on _RoB_ than fret over things he couldn't control.

* * *

The rest of the week passed in a blur of words. By Thursday night Lily had finished through the current chapter and Remus spent all of Friday putting the finishing touches on his edits. He knew someday when he had finished the entire fic he would have to go back and do a final edit but for now the first twenty-eight chapters had some clear improvements, especially with the smut.

Saturday was spent working on a new chapter. After watching the first three episodes of _Agent Carter_ , Remus felt inspired to insert Peggy's waitress friend, Angie, into the story, fulfilling his desire for more female characters in _RoB_.

Sunday morning he posted chapter twenty-nine, feeling proud for having posted two chapters in the same week for the first time since he started the fic half a year ago.

 **Another chapter? Holy shit!**

 _Right? I'm on fire! :D_

 **Don't burn up before your movie date with Sirius ;)**

 _It's not a date!_

 **Smh**

Remus rolled his eyes. He really didn't get the whole dating thing. Sure, there was no denying that he was attracted to Sirius Black and it really seemed like Sirius might be attracted to him, as much as Remus found that hard to believe. But they had only known each other a month! As a fine purveyor of the friends-to-lovers trope, Remus felt it was important not to skip the first part of the trope.

Of course, it wasn't easy. It wasn't easy to sit next to Sirius and see the way he smiled and hear the way he laughed. It wasn't easy to see him talk about his past and feel moved by his pain and his joy. It wasn't easy to simply watch the way he moved his mouth and imagine how those lips felt.

Remus checked the time. Only a half hour until movie time. He sighed and got up from his desk. He supposed he should get ready.

* * *

'That was so fucking good!" Sirius shouted as the credits rolled on _the_ _Winter Soldier_.

"Right?" Remus said.

"That was obviously a love story. I mean… they are in love!" Sirius said, rubbing his chin with excitement.

"I certainly think so. They're definitely my OTP," Remus said with a grin.

"I've never really had an OTP before but God! I might be convinced!" Sirius said.

"I mean I already shipped them before but this film destroyed me. I'm a sucker for friends-to-lovers," Remus said.

"Me too," Sirius said, his grey eyes turning to Remus, almost looking like he had realized something important.

"So yeah. I immediately had to write some fic," Remus said, feeling his heart begin to pound.

Remus didn't want to ask Sirius to read his fic. Instead, he wanted Sirius to be the one to ask to read his fic.

"I definitely need to read some," Sirius said, grinning at Remus.

 _Dammit_ , Remus thought.

"Actually, I just posted a chapter this morning for one of my fics," Remus said.

Please ask, Remus thought. Don't make me do it.

"Oh yeah?" Sirius said, fully turning his body, getting on his knees and laying his head over an arm on the top of the couch, looking adorably cute.

"Yeah," Remus said, unsure of what to say and feeling nervous.

"What's it about?" Sirius asked.

"Oh. Um. It's… Well… It's about… Bucky is a vampire and Steve is a vampire hunter. But they're still best friends. I know it's kinda cliche…" Remus apologized.

"No, it sounds cool. Tell me more," Sirius said, wiggling his head in an excited way.

"Oh. Well… it's kinda steampunk? V-Victorian London. It's over one-hundred thousand words now," Remus said.

"Cool. Would you read some of it to me?" Sirius asked.

 _Fuck_ , Remus thought. He hadn't expected that. OK, it wasn't like there was any smut in the first chapter.

"Uh… I can but I should warn you I'm not very good at reading aloud," Remus said.

"That's OK. I like listening to you talk. You have a nice voice," Sirius said.

Remus felt flushed and compliments like that didn't help him feel anymore relaxed no matter how much he appreciated them. Remus loaded the fic onto his phone. The first chapter was only four thousand words. He licked his lips then began to read.

Sirius sat in silence, watching Remus read with a perpetual grin. Remus tried to remember to glance over at Sirius from time to time but it made it hard to focus. Just under half an hour later, Remus had completed it and Sirius sat up and clapped.

"Bravo! That was great. You'll have to text me the link to the rest," Sirius said.

Remus gulped but smiled and nodded, quickly doing as Sirius requested. Sirius bit his lip as he got the text and clicked the link.

" _Reliquary of Blood_ by Shy_WolfboyNH. Wow. That's a hell of a title. Also: Wolfboy?" Sirius asked, raising his eyebrows.

"M-My name. Remus Lupin. It kinda means Wolfy McWolf. Basically. I guess my parents thought it was funny. Of course, they named my sister Natalie. I don't know why she got the normal name," Remus said with a frown.

"I think it's cool," Sirius said.

"Thanks," Remus said, feeling nervous as Sirius looked at the screen of his phone, no doubt seeing the various scandalous things it was tagged with.

"Yeah. Sounds cool. I'll have to read this between classes or before bed or something. Speaking of which, I think it's my bedtime," Sirius said, then stretched and yawned.

"Fair enough," Remus said and stood up.

There was an odd moment as they stood in front of each other. Remus felt compelled to hug Sirius or shake his hand and for a moment he thought Sirius might do one of those but instead he only gave Remus a shy smile, said, "Goodnight," and went to bed.

Remus quickly texted Lily:

 _Are you awake? Can I come talk to you?_

 **Yeah. You can just come in.**

Remus rushed upstairs and went inside Lily's room. Lily was sitting cross legged on the center of her bed, laptop in front of her. The smell of marijuana permeated the room but she wasn't currently smoking. Lily's dark-red hair was out of its ponytail and lying over her shoulders. She was wearing one of her favourite large t-shirts that had an anime character he never could remember the name of on the front.

"What's up, chicken butt?" Lily said.

"Sirius is going to read _Reliquary of Blood_!" Remus said, gritting his teeth in a smile.

"Ha!" Lily said, clasping her hands to her cheeks.

"I'm so nervous. Oh my god, I read him the first chapter," Remus said, coming over and sitting on the edge of the bed.

"You did?" Lily said, her mouth hung open in gleeful surprise.

"Yeah. He asked and I… couldn't say no. Not when he was looking so… cute," Remus said, feeling himself blush.

"That's so cool. Dude, I'm so excited for you! Anyhow… I'm actually on Skype with Dorcas and Mary," Lily said, with an embarrassed smile.

"Oh. Well, tell them I said hi," Remus said.

"Remus says hi," Lily said then laughed.

"Anyhow. I guess I'll leave you to… that," Remus said, knowing that Skype dates with Lily's girlfriends were Lily's only source of intimacy these days.

Remus went back into his attic room and fell back onto the bed. He had a text from Sirius.

 **Read chapter two. This is so good!**

Remus smiled. He filed this experience under things he didn't know he had needed until he received them. Thank you, Sirius Black, he thought and turned out the light.


	2. Bring Enough Sunshine

Rain lightly fell as Lily Evans stood at her window looking out at the grey morning. Winter was wrapping up in Oregon. They'd been having a surprising amount of sunny days recently.

Growing up Lily had been a summer child. Some of Lily's friends had mocked her when she decided to move out to Oregon from New Hampshire.

 _You're made of sunshine, Lily. You'll hate it there._

 _Well, I'll just have to bring enough sunshine for the entire Pacific Northwest then._

After two months of living there, she felt comfortable saying that she didn't hate it there. She liked the rain. It was soothing. There was hardly ever the sort of thunder and lightning that scared her as a child, running to the arms of her abuelita who would rock her to sleep with a lullaby in Spanish since that's the only way she knew them.

The constant grey overcast was a different matter but she filled the house with lots of light and color. She had plans to do a lot of repainting. She would bring the sunshine if it killed her.

Lily looked around her room, wondering what she was going to do that day. James and Sirius were at school and Remus was busy working on his fanfic, _Reliquary of Blood_. In the last month he had produced an amazing five chapters and was deep into his sixth. Lily really loved where he was taking the story and had some ideas for a side story that she wanted to bring up with him but didn't want to step on his toes.

She decided to take a shower, hoping the warm water would motivate her in a particular direction for the day. Once she was out of the shower she checked her phone. Her girlfriend Mary had sent her a picture with the text " _Me and George are missing you._ " In the picture, Mary's brown face pressed into the fur of a fluffy grey cat. Lily did miss them both. She missed waking up after Mary had gone to work, George pawing at her face wanting to be fed. Lily replied:

 **Missing you too. Hope you can visit soon.**

Lily attached a mirror selfie to her message. She wasn't dressed yet but she only captured her face and her hair, that looked even darker while wet. She and Mary had a rule about not casually sending nude photos. They had to provide consent every single time. That was Mary's comfort level. Her other girlfriend, Dorcas, had a more relaxed attitude about nudity and her partners.

When Lily had stayed night's with Dorcas they had frequently sat around naked, watching Netflix. That was Dorcas's comfort level. For her nudity was natural and when the temperature was warm there was no reason to burden oneself beyond the law. Of course, Dorcas would rant about how stupid it was that women couldn't go topless in most places and Lily wholeheartedly agreed.

Lily's comfort level involved finding out what made everyone else comfortable. It tied into her into entire life philosophy. She wanted everyone to be comfortable with being themselves, providing being themselves didn't involve disrupting the comfort of others.

Lily wondered what James Potter's comfort level was. She was relatively certain that he wasn't the sort of asshole who sent girls pictures of his penis unsolicited. Lily also wondered what James Potter would look like naked. If the way his jeans hugged his ass was any indication, the answer was pretty damn good.

Lily set her phone down to blow dry her hair. She wondered what Mary and Dorcas really thought of her newly developing relationship with James. As much as she wanted James to be OK with Mary and Dorcas, she wanted Mary and Dorcas to be OK with James.

They had been a loosely formed triad for a while now. Even though Mary and Dorcas dated other people she couldn't discount the possibility of jealousy. Even she felt tugs of jealousy from time to time. She was only human. Jealousy was not the enemy. Jealousy was an awkward friend that you quietly asked to leave as soon as they had overstayed their welcome. Maturity was trusting that the ones who loved you wouldn't stop loving you just because they found other people to love too.

But the three of them still took different attitudes towards polyamory and non-monogamy. Dorcas was shy and couldn't handle a lot of different partners. She was more apt to find a new friend with benefits than anything else. Mary was an intense and passionate lover. She loved a lot and intensely. She was extroverted and had a job that required a lot of traveling and meeting new people. Lily was in awe of Mary's ability to juggle so much love.

Lily was somewhere in-between. She was extroverted but nowhere near as much as Mary. She had a heart that poured with love but she was certain that too many partners would wear her down. Friends with benefits were a valuable commodity but the incident with Severus Snape when she was seventeen had always made her cautious.

He had been her friend for years. He was odd and unpopular but that drew Lily to him. She liked finding the potential in people. She hated prejudging. She and Sev had turned out to have a lot in common. After her mother died she slept with him and things between them changed immediately, for the worse.

Lily wasn't romantically interested in Sev. It would've been convenient if she had been but something wasn't there for her and she couldn't force herself to feel something that she didn't. After his betrayal, Lily became more cautious about who she chose to open herself up to, especially when it came to straight cis guys.

Lily's hair was dry so she brushed it well then put it in a ponytail. She got dressed and left the bathroom. When she went downstairs, Remus was in the kitchen stirring something in a saucepan.

"Morning, Lils," Remus said, sounding groggy.

"Hey. Good morning. You sound sleep deprived, hon," Lily said.

"Yeah. I finished chapter thirty-four of Reliquary of Blood. It's kinda long. Seven thousand words and I like to aim for five thousand," Remus said.

"I'm really excited about the stuff you are doing with Peggy and Angie. Especially after finishing season one of Agent Carter," Lily said.

Remus turned around looking panicked.

"I haven't seen the finale yet! No spoilers," Remus begged, his dark brown eyes wide with fear.

"No worries, dude. But I've been reading a lot of Cartinelli fic. I ship it so hard," Lily said, pulling out her leftover vegetable stew from the night before out of the refrigerator.

"You should write something. I know you don't write much but you're pretty good. Probably better than me," Remus said with a chuckle, pouring the contents of his saucepan into a bowl.

"Thanks, but I don't agree. I do want to write something. I was actually kinda wondering… Oh, never mind," Lily said, feeling embarrassed.

"What?" Remus said, spooning what Lily realized was chili into his mouth.

"I shouldn't say it. Because I know whether you think it's a good idea or not you'll say it's a good idea. You always think everything I want to do is wonderful," Lily said, leaning onto the kitchen island.

"I promise if I ever thought an idea you had was anything less than wonderful I would tell you. It's not my fault if you have such a wonderful mind," Remus said as he tossed the sauce pan in the sink, filling with soap and water to let it soak.

Lily rolled her eyes but stood up and smiled.

"Fine. I was kinda wondering if you would be interested in me writing a side story of Reliquary of Blood? It's mostly focused on Steve and Bucky and I get that you can't focus too much on Peggy and Angie. And I know you don't have the time to write it yourself," Lily said, cringing in anticipation of her presumption of Remus's discomfort.

Instead, he smiled.

"Actually, I was wishing I had the time to write more about them," Remus said, eating more of his chili, the smell of which made Lily's vegan sensibilities feel a little yucky.

"Really?" Lily said.

"Yeah. You should go for it. I'll share my notes with you if you want. I don't think there's any way you can do it without me having to spoil you though," Remus said.

Lily clapped with excitement.

"Yay. Oh, would you beta read for me? Just to make sure it's up to your standards," Lily said.

"Yeah. That would be cool. And you helped me last month anyhow. I've always wanted to work on something with someone else," Remus said.

Lily hugged Remus tightly, kissing him on the cheek. Remus burst out with embarrassed laughter, just like he always did. Lily pulled back, smiling at her now very red faced friend. He was only an inch taller than her and standing in front of him they essentially saw eye-to-eye.

"The only thing I don't get is why you would want to write something so dark?" Remus said.

"Just because there's murder and vampires doesn't mean there can't be room for snuggles," Lily countered.

"Fair enough," Remus said and carried his chili out of the kitchen.

"Don't forget to send me your notes!" Lily called out.

"Will do. Er… will not do… You know what I mean!" Remus shouted.

Lily smiled and saw about reheating her leftovers.

* * *

 _Dinner + movie friday night?_

Lily was deep into typing up notes for her fanfic spinoff of Remus's fic when the text from James startled her out of her trance. She didn't hesitate to reply.

 **Wouldn't miss it ;)**

Their last date had been a couple of weeks back on Valentine's Day and she frankly wished they had time for them more often. She smiled and looked at the time. It was almost noon. It made her happy to think that James was at school and thinking of her. As great as it was to fall in love, it was wonderful when the other person was falling at the same time.

She sometimes thought of all the missed connections that existed in the world. People who weren't in love at the same time. People who were in love but were afraid to pursue it. And of course, the terrible, dreaded unrequited love where the other person didn't love you back or not in the way that you wanted. She felt terrible for those that suffered that way, as long as they didn't turn into entitled little bags of dicks.

"Still bitter," Lily whispered to herself.

She stared at her laptop. Two thousand words of notes and she hadn't even looked over Remus's notes yet. She needed to work. She should update her Tumblr and schedule a cam show for a few hours time. She needed money to keep paying her part of the bills, which was larger than the others seeing as she owned the place.

She texted Remus to let him know she would be working soon in case he wanted to put on headphones to muffle any possible sounds or go on a walk now that the rain had stopped.

Lily didn't think she would be able to keep her new story out of her mind but she was confident she could fake it. Money called.

* * *

A few hours later, Lily was done with work and heard the front door open. She dashed downstairs assuming it was James but found Sirius instead.

"Oh. I thought James would be home," Lily said, feeling bad that she knew she sounded disappointed.

"Nope. He needed to go to the store so he dropped me off. I should really just get my own car," Sirius lamented.

Sirius Black was tall, probably four inches taller than Lily. He had long, dark hair that was absurdly shiny. His grey eyes had a kind warmth to them. His face was pleasantly featured. It was easy to see what Remus found attractive about him. He was hot by any measure.

"Well, anyhow. Sorry to disappoint," Sirius said with a roguish grin.

"No, it's cool. Have you read the new chapter of Reliquary of Blood?" Lily said.

Sirius's eyes went wide.

"There's a new chapter?" Sirius said, suddenly looking like a child who has just discovered he had one more Christmas present he failed to notice.

"Yeah. I haven't actually read it either. I've been working and writing notes for a story," Lily said, desperate to share her excitement about her spinoff with someone.

"Oh, you're going to write something? Am I going to have to follow your fic too?" Sirius said.

"Only if you want to. But it's a side story to Reliquary of Blood about Peggy and Angie," Lily said.

"Oh my god!" Sirius said, slapping a hand to his mouth dramatically.

Sirius's excitement gave Lily life.

"Right?" Lily said with a big smile.

"Write it and I will read it. I promise," Sirius said.

"Cool. Hey, Sirius… Would you like to come upstairs and hang out with me?" Lily asked with a hopeful grin.

"Oh. Really? I mean… I don't really smoke weed…"

"I promise I won't make you smoke weed or force you to watch me smoke it. But if you're gonna be my… best friend in law or whatever, we should probably hang out more often," Lily said, remembering they'd barely spent much personal time together since before Christmas.

Sirius turned red.

"I… um… haha. I. Uhh. I'm not… I mean we…" Sirius stammered, clearly unsure how to react to Lily's insinuation about him and Remus.

"Relax. I'm just messing with you. About the best friend in law thing. Not about hanging out," Lily said.

"Yeah. OK. Let's hang out. I'll be up there in a minute," Sirius said.

Lily went upstairs and put on some music then turned on some lamps. Shortly after, Sirius knocked on the door and Lily let him in.

"Your room is cool, by the way. It's kind of new age-hippie-pagan," Sirius observed.

"Thanks," Lily said as Sirius sat down on the bed.

"I'm sorry I teased you about Remus. I'm just really excited. I know Remus acts like he's OK just hiding out in his room all the time but I know he gets lonely. I want good things for him," Lily said.

"You think I'm a good thing?" Sirius said, looking surprised.

"Potentially. Remus seems happy and happy Remus equals good in my book," Lily said.

Sirius smiled brightly then quickly cringed and rubbed his lower belly.

"Cramps?" Lily asked.

"Yeah. My body hates me," Sirius grumbled.

"You know weed always helps me with cramps," Lily said and winked.

"Does it? Is that purely anecdotal or actual science?" Sirius asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Anecdotal, though other people have told me it helped them. It certainly doesn't hurt," Lily said.

"Yeah. OK. I'll give it a try," Sirius said, cringing again.

* * *

A short time later, Lily and Sirius were both stoned and lying flat on her bed. Lily was feeling tired and Sirius was rambling about his family and old friends.

"Has Remus shown you any of my photography?" Sirius asked.

"He would never show me anything like that without your permission," Lily said.

"Oh. Well, I'm giving permission. I'm Dogstar94 on DeviantArt," Sirius said.

Lily groaned as she pulled herself up and opened her laptop back up. She went to DeviantArt and found Sirius's profile.

"Found it," Lily said with a smile.

Sirius pulled himself up, scooting next to her.

"Feel free to peruse, Peruse. Per-use. What a weird word," Sirius said then giggled.

Lily scrolled through Sirius's photography, impressed with his style.

"Great picture of Remus. He thinks he's ugly, can you believe it?" Lily said.

"What? That's ridiculous. He's _so_ hot," Sirius said then covered his mouth with embarrassment.

Lily grinned at him then winked.

"Have you taken any pictures of James?" Lily asked.

"No. Not any proper ones. Just regular photos. They are on Facebook. I do like taking photos of my friends," Sirius said.

"Would you take some of me? I love taking pictures!" Lily said, clutching her hands in her lap with excitement.

"I would love to. I think you would photograph really well," Sirius said.

"Cool. Thanks," Lily said.

"God, time is slipping away. I should have some coffee then try to study. Thanks for the weed. I don't think it helped the cramps but it helped me not care about the cramps. It's still not really my thing, I think," Sirius said.

"Well, enjoy your studying. It was nice hanging out with you," Lily said.

"You too," Sirius said, standing up from the bed.

Lily quickly got up and said, "Sirius, do you mind if I hug you?"

"Please do," Sirius said.

Lily wrapped her arms around him and squeezed his slender frame tightly.

"Good luck with Remus," Lily said.

"Good luck with James," he echoed.

After he left, Lily checked the time. It was seven thirty. She had a Skype date with Mary at eight, their first one in weeks. She wished Dorcas wasn't so busy. She was looking forward to chatting with Mary before she went to bed.

With half an hour to kill she went across the hall and knocked on James's door. James quickly opened it with a smile. He stood there tall, looking deadly handsome in the tight sweater he was wearing.

"Hey, you," he said.

"Hey. Can I come in?" Lily asked.

"Yeah."

Lily stepped inside James's room. It was substantially smaller than Lily's. His furniture was nice and he had posters of sports stuff on his wall. There was a guitar case propped up on his back wall containing an acoustic guitar that James had admitted he didn't really know how to play.

James sat against the back of his bed and said, "So, how has your day been?"

"Good. I'm working on a fanfic with Remus, I worked for a while then got high with Sirius," Lily said, sitting down on the side of the bed

"You got high… with Sirius? Sirius hates weed," James said, looking like someone just told him the Earth was definitely flat.

"I told him it would help with his cramps," Lily said.

"Did it?" James inquired.

Lily shrugged.

"He said he would take a picture of me. I'm excited about that," Lily said.

"That's cool. I asked him to take a picture of me after his brother passed away. I was hoping the suggestion would break him out of his funk… But it didn't. Guess he needed a hot attic dweller to break him out of it," James said.

"I think Remus and Sirius are helping each other. Remus smiles so much now. I don't think he knows how much his face lights up when he talks about Sirius. I hope they can figure out whatever it is they want from each other," Lily said.

"Yeah. Sirius has never been this interested in _anyone_ before. He always thought romance was something other people did. He thought it was a lie other people told themselves. Now the bastard can't shut up about a guy," James said with a proud grin.

"I mean, I guess romance isn't for everyone. I've known some aromantic people and some asexual people. Mostly online but they exist. But Remus and Sirius are cute together. I hope they keep wanting to be cute together," Lily said.

"Are you still high?" James asked.

"I may be slightly buzzed but otherwise I am fine," Lily said.

"Can I kiss you?" James asked.

"I'll be offended if you don't," Lily admitted.

Lily turned around as James leaned over and pressed his full lips into hers. Lily made a happy sound as their lips moved together. James was such an amazing kisser. His touch gave her chills and made her hot at the same time.

James's hands gripped her sides, feeling her shape with his large hands. Lily pushed him back and slid on top of him, feeling suddenly revved up, desiring heat and friction. James's hands squeezed her back and slowly slid down, stopping above her butt. Lily buried her mouth into his neck, eliciting a satisfying moan from James.

Lily could feel James's hardness against her round belly, only making her ache for him worse. She pressed her mouth back into his, drowning in his kiss. James flipped her over, positioning his body between her legs and pressing himself against her, kissing her deeply. Lily reached behind him and slid her hands down to his butt and squeezed, loving their shape and firmness.

James leaned up and gripped her torso with his dark hands, cupping her large breasts through her tank top. He leaned down again and pressed his soft lips into her neck and sucked, causing Lily to make a high pitched sound that some might have called a squeak.

"God, James… I want you so bad," Lily said then glanced over at the clock.

"I've got condoms," James whispered, proudly.

"It's not that… I've got a Skype date with Mary in five minutes," Lily said.

"Oh," James said and leaned up.

"Sorry," Lily said.

"No, it's cool. That was fun," James said, his chest heaving and a visible situation in his pajamas.

"If you're still awake after we're done you could come cuddle with me," Lily said.

"I'd like that. I do have some studying to do but I'll try to stay awake," James said.

"Great," Lily said then gave him one last sweet kiss and left.

* * *

"Heyy," Mary said, lying in bed, turned on her side with her cat sleeping between her and her laptop.

"Hey. You look tired," Lily said.

"I am. Long day. But I really wanted to see you. You look like you just went for a run," Mary said.

"I was making out with James," Lily said.

"Nice," Mary said, her smile giving all the confirmation Lily needed that Mary was in fact cool with her and James.

"So how are things out there?" Lily asked.

"Snow. Just… snow," Mary said with a chuckle.

Lily laughed.

"It doesn't seem to snow much out here. It snowed for a few hours in January… but then it just rained and it was gone," Lily said.

"How are you handling the lack of sunshine?" Mary said.

"I'm just bringing my own," Lily said.

Mary laughed loud enough to startle her cat.

"You are good for bringing the sunshine. I think it's in your smile. Or those eyes. You're kinda dreamy," Mary said.

Lily blushed and smiled.

"Thanks. You're not so bad yourself," Lily said.

* * *

Lily woke up half past nine. She had a vague memory of saying goodbye and I love you to Mary before she signed off and everything was fuzzy after that. Lily grabbed her phone and texted James.

 **U still awake?**

 _Yeah._

 **I'm gonna hit the bathroom and you can pop into my room if you want.**

Lily rolled out of bed and headed to the bathroom as promised. Once she was done she came back to find James lying on her bed, his face pressed into a pillow and his glasses on her night stand.

"You poor thing," Lily said.

"At least tomorrow is Friday. Still on for our date tomorrow night?" James said.

"As long as you are," Lily said, climbing over him back onto the bed.

James rolled over to face Lily. Lily studied the shape of his face. His lips and jawline were something almost too beautiful to be beheld. His hazel eyes were clearly studying her in return.

"You're so cute," James said.

"I was thinking the same thing about you," Lily said.

Lily leaned over and kissed James, placing hands on his chest and feeling the leanness of his muscles. Arousal stirred within her again, wanting so much of James to touch so much of her.

"I wish I wasn't so tired," James said, a finger brushing at Lily's bottom lip as she leaned back.

"I wish you weren't so tired too. Because then I could _really_ make you tired," Lily said, biting her lip.

"Sounds nice," James said and they kissed again.

They continued to kiss until James had clearly ran out of juice and slipped away, falling asleep quickly. Lily pushed herself next to him, not feeling as tired as she hoped but longing to be next to him. After a half hour had passed and sleep had not come she pulled her laptop over and went back to working on fanfic notes, making sure to dim the screen brightness so as not to wake the handsome man lying next to her.

* * *

At one 'o five in the morning Lily woke up again. James was snoring and she was hungry. She had passed out with her laptop still on her belly. Gently she moved it and plugged it back in to charge. After popping into the bathroom she went downstairs.

Upon arriving in the kitchen Lily was surprised to find Peter's girlfriend, Madeleine Yaxley who was wearing nothing but a t-shirt and who seemed to be through the refrigerator.

"Hey," Lily said.

"Ah! Shit, you scared me, man," Maddy said.

"Sorry," Lily said.

"No problem," Maddy said, though her voice still had that judgmental air it often did.

She was a very attractive woman but something about her cold blue eyes and her voice made Lily feel uncomfortable.

"So, you're staying the night?" Lily asked.

"Yeah," Maddy said.

"Well, that's fine. If you're wondering. Peter has said you might be over and I know you've been over before," Lily said.

"Yeah, I know it's fine," Maddy said, sounding as if she wasn't interested in Lily's approval.

Just then the basement door opened and Lily's other roommate stepped into the kitchen. Peter Pettigrew was a short, blond haired man, a friend of James and Sirius.

"Hey, Lily. How are you?" Peter asked.

"Tired. Hungry. You?" Lily asked.

"Same. I see you've noticed Maddy's here," Peter said and Maddy grinned.

"Yeah. It's fine. We should all hang out sometime. You, Maddy, Me, James, Sirius and Remus… Assuming Remus could be convinced," Lily said.

"Do you get stoned?" Maddy asked.

"Yeah," Lily said, scooting over to the fridge, pulling out a tub of baby carrots to munch on.

"Cool. Well, listen I'm gonna go back into the basement. I'll be waiting for you, Pete," Maddy said with a wink.

"Well, it was nice talking to you, Lily. Sorry we haven't really gotten to talk much or anything… Between work, my mom and Maddy I'm always busy," Peter said.

"It's fine. Goodnight, Peter," Lily said with a smile.

* * *

A short time later, Lily arrived back in her room, trying to re-enter as quietly as she could.

"I woke up and you weren't here," James said softly.

"Sorry. I needed carrots," Lily replied.

"It's fine. I just missed you," James said, sounding like a sad puppy.

"Aww," Lily cooed and slipped into bed next to him.

Lily wrapped an arm around his shoulder and kissed James. His lips fumbled sleepily and he quickly fell back asleep. Lily nuzzled his neck then laid her head on his shoulder. She was filled with happy warmth just like she was on a sunny beach.

As sleep crept up on her she thought about sunshine in all its forms. She thought that maybe if she brought enough sunshine into the world, the world would give her sunshine in return. It was a nice thought.


	3. Queer Like Us

Remus moaned and shuddered awake. Breathing hard in the dark he felt pulsing down below.

"Shit. Shit," he whispered, helpless to prevent it, his mind racing over the dream that lead him to this point.

Remus had never had a wet dream before. He had always thought something must've been wrong with him as a teenager. He didn't have wet dreams and he never dreamt about sex.

He was nearly twenty-one and suddenly he'd had his very first wet dream. It felt so backward. He cleaned himself up in the dark of his attic room, embarrassed and flustered. He tossed his underwear in his laundry basket then collapsed back into bed.

The details of the steamy dream were already fading. Even trying to think about it made him feel weird and ashamed. Not because of the sex but because who it was with. It certainly wasn't with the person he had actively been spending time fantasizing about. It was with her… Lily. His best friend.

Remus had certainly always thought Lily was pretty. He'd be lying to himself if he didn't admit that when he was horny enough he had considered what it would be like to be with her but strictly speaking it wasn't a regular fantasy.

Remus had never really understood how to define himself or his sexuality. Growing up, kids had called him gay like it was a bad thing. They had called him nasty names about being Korean too. The difference was that Remus had never actually told anyone he was gay. He didn't know what it was about him that made people think that. The word had no meaning to him. He'd asked his parents what it meant and they had explained.

It didn't make any sense to him. He thought this was just the way people were. The idea of not finding boys attractive seemed odd. But he still didn't feel comfortable with the word gay. He couldn't rule girls out just because he liked boys a little bit more.

Puberty came and nothing got any easier. Kids only got meaner and Remus underwent uncomfortable changes. His voice went from high pitched, to moderately deep. Girls started to notice him even as boys called him called slurs. His anxiety surged and he just wanted to be left alone.

Remus had considered the idea that he was bisexual but everywhere he looked he saw people saying that it was a myth or that bisexuals were just greedy and so horny they didn't care who they screwed. Remus worried that perhaps he was deceiving himself and that his attraction to women was just a pathetic attempt by a gay kid to trying to be straight.

But he wasn't gay and he wasn't straight. By the time he was fourteen he had decided the whole thing was too messy and complicated for him. He liked the idea of having a partner but the costs seemed not to be worth it. And yet he was lonely and didn't have many friends.

Then Lily came along. She was loud and proud about who she was. She was a kid of color and wasn't hiding her sexuality. And she was nice to him. She never asked him how he identified. He said he didn't really date but he was mostly attracted to boys but only mostly. Lily never pressured him beyond that.

And then everything was fine for five long years. Lily fulfilled his needs for closeness but without any of that messiness. She had her own partners and there wasn't much pressure on him. He simply stopped worrying about relationships altogether. It was something other people did. The idea that someone could love and desire him in that way didn't make sense. He knew he was ugly and weird.

But then beautiful Sirius Black came into his life. For the first time someone took an interest in him in a way that could potentially be complicated and messy down the line. But he couldn't avoid this. For one thing, they were roommates. For another, Remus wanted Sirius's affection _so bad_. Every interaction they shared felt magical and important.

If Remus let himself stop and think about it he became embarrassed and panicked. He had always prided himself on maintaining control over his feelings. If he didn't feel things he couldn't be hurt. But it was too late now. He was in too deep.

It was Sirius he thought of when he was alone in bed. He pictured them having a real relationship. He imagined them holding hands and kissing. He imagined them sharing a bed, concocting a million different scenarios of how they could get to that point.

And he imagined them having sex. _Making love_. Remus had always been comfortable with masturbation. He had that one down. No one could shame him for what he did with his own body. His fantasies had always been made up. He'd never had anyone to project them onto. He concocted imaginary partners and situations, many of them situations he would never actually want to be in because of his own anxiety and fears.

When he fantasized about Sirius it was so much better. It was deeper and more immersive. More real and tangible. But the idea of actually doing any of that stuff made him nervous. He knew he would be terrible at it. He was terrible at most things. But when he was in the right mood he thought he would love to have a shot to find out if he was terrible at it.

For many weeks now Remus had regularly been entertaining these fantasies. He'd been masturbating more than he probably ever had and Sirius was all he imagined. So why then did he have his very first wet dream about his best friend of all people?

Remus had a conception that Lily probably would sleep with him if he were interested. She'd made enough overtures to the fact in the past and outright told him so not too long ago. Despite knowing that, he'd never spent much time on the idea. He wondered if it was because she was his best friend or because she was a girl.

Remus knew he found other girls attractive. He'd definitely checked them out. He thought Lily's girlfriends were pretty but he hadn't really thought much beyond that. When he watched porn it was mostly gay porn. Straight porn weirded him out. Not because there were women but because of how the women seemed to be treated. Too much seemed to be derived from making the women uncomfortable for the man's pleasure and that really wasn't his thing.

He did find some porn with two guys and a girl where they messed around and that was pretty hot. But mostly he stuck to men only. But Remus had never really tried to figure out what he liked. There was an ocean of sexuality out there that he had been too afraid to wade out into.

If he were never planning on having sex what did it matter what his kinks were? Was there even any value to determining what sort of people he might be interested in? And what about monogamy? Could he be like Lily? He had never even considered having one partner before, let alone two or more!

Remus thought perhaps it was time to reevaluate his identity. How could he continue to pursue Sirius if he didn't even know who he was?

Remus rolled over onto his belly, smooshing his face into a pillow. He scooped up his other pillow in his arms, imagining he was holding Sirius as he often did. The thought often relaxed him. He didn't know if Sirius was the sort to like to cuddle but to imagine that he was made Remus happy.

* * *

Sirius absently scrolled through the news on his phone on a bench downtown. Nothing good was ever in the news. People died and no one cared unless they were white, asinine political controversies over emails arose and no one talked about the good things that were happening unless there was a way for them to exploit it.

Sirius didn't want to be so cynical. He wanted to have hope for the future but sometimes it felt like the country was headed down a dark path and nothing could stop it.

He slipped his phone into his pocket and looked around. It was a nice early March day in this coastal Oregon town. Normally after school he headed home. Remus was at home. Even if he didn't leave the attic much, it always made Sirius feel good to know that he was there. But today Sirius wanted a clear head. He was feeling confused about a great many things.

School was troubling him. While he was growing up photography was the only thing he cared about, the only thing he ever wanted to do. But then his brother died and he lost his nerve. Now thanks to Remus his desire had returned. College didn't feel so important. He was only a history major after all. He still wasn't sure what he would do with a history degree. James told him he was wasting his education but there was nothing else Sirius cared about.

Sirius knew he couldn't just quit school and suddenly be a professional photographer and this college didn't have have a photography program. But he knew it was what he wanted to do. There was nothing else. He thought back and for a moment wished he had suggested somewhere else that he and James could travel to that would be better suited to pursuing a photography career. But the moment passed and he realized that if he had done that he never would've met Remus.

Sirius's phone chimed and he smiled. It was Remus.

 _Hey. I thought you'd be home by now. Thought we could hang out._

 **I'd love to. Was just running an errand.**

 _Let me know when you get home. If you want to._

 **Will do.**

Sirius put his phone away and sighed. Apparently he would have no answers from the universe today. He supposed no matter what he was finishing out this semester. But at some point he would have to decide.

He could catch a bus home but the walk was only twenty minutes. He could use a little more breeze through his hair in the meantime.

Remus was on the couch watching Agents of SHIELD when Sirius got home. Having run out of other Marvel Cinematic Universe material to absorb that show was the only thing Remus hadn't tackled. Sirius figured he would catch up on it at some point but he didn't always feel like had the extra time or energy.

"Hey," Remus said, turning around with a smile.

"Hey. Surprised you're downstairs," Sirius said.

"Me too. I guess I just… really want to talk to you," Remus said, looking worried.

"Is something the matter?" Sirius asked, coming over to the couch and leaning over the top.

"No. Not exactly. I was just having a bit of a personal crisis. I just realized last night that I've never really found a label for myself," Remus said.

Sirius thought he could think of an assortment of labels for Remus: hot, cute, smart, adorable, funny. But he wasn't sure that was exactly what he meant.

"How so?" Sirius asked.

"I mean, Lily says she's pansexual and she just knows, you know? I wish I could be that confident," Remus complained.

Sirius went ahead and strolled around the couch and sat down next to Remus.

"I just always thought I was… nothing. I don't know. I never cared enough to think about it. I didn't feel anything. The only thing I was confident about was my gender. I always knew I was a boy. It just _felt_ right," Sirius said.

"Gender is strange, isn't it? I don't even understand how to define it. What makes a person one of the two genders?" Remus said.

Sirius chuckled.

"I mean first of all, there are more than two genders. And non-binary people exist too. But I don't know what makes a person a gender. Certainly not their bodies or their assigned roles. I don't think it matters. For me when I looked at boys and girls it was the boys I related to more," Sirius said.

"But if it's all made up… why pick? Shouldn't we just get rid of the whole damn thing?" Remus said.

"It's important to me to identify as a man. It feels the closest to true. The way I present myself is about my own comfort more than it is about what I think makes a man. I don't bind my chest and take hormones and wear so-called masculine clothes because I'm worried that if I don't I won't be a man. It just helps me feel more comfortable in my own skin. I _know_ I'm a man. It's the feeling that my image of myself doesn't match how I look on the outside that can be upsetting. And no matter what I do there's that fear of how someone might react… that someone might hurt me. Maybe in some future day we'll evolve past the gender binary but for now the label and my presentation makes me happy and comfortable," Sirius said with a smile, though he worried he was rambling too much.

Remus smiled back.

"That makes sense. M-maybe labels would make me happy. I'm not sure how I feel about gender. I think I'm just… me. I don't think I need a gender. And I'm OK with that. But I just… don't understand my sexuality," Remus said, cringing as he said the last word.

"Me either. Mostly because I didn't think I had one," Sirius said, unsure if he was ready for this particular conversation with Remus.

"I've always known I liked boys. If I mostly like boys but like girls a little bit too does that just mean I'm gay but a little bicurious? And what about non-binary people or other genders? How can I know if I'm attracted to them? How can I decide I'm not attracted to people based on arbitrary standards?" Remus asked.

"I don't know. Sounds like we both could use a little soul searching. I'm surprised you haven't talked to Lily. She seems pretty hip to queer stuff," Sirius said.

"I feel like I bother her too much. But you're right. I should talk to her," Remus said with a grateful grin.

"Do it. I've gotta study and I've also got some other stuff on my mind. Let me know how your search goes and I'll let you know about mine," Sirius said, affectionately touching Remus's shoulder.

"Will do," Remus said and Sirius headed to his room.

* * *

"Come in," Lily said from the other side of her bedroom door.

Remus entered her room, finding her sitting in the middle of her bed in front of her laptop as usual, dark-red hair resting on her shoulders in her casual mode.

"Hey," Remus said as he came and sat down on the bed.

"What's up?" Lily said with a big smile.

Remus chuckled awkwardly.

"Having a minor crisis," Remus replied.

"Is it about Sirius?" Lily asked with concern..

"No, no. Not really. Only in the vaguest sort of way. It's… Lily, how are you able to be so confident about your identity?" Remus said, gesturing at the pansexual flag on her wall.

"You're having a crisis about my identity?" Lily asked then stuck her tongue out at him.

Remus laughed.

"No! It's a multi-part question!" Remus insisted, flapping his hands excitedly.

"I didn't have some eureka moment where I realized I was attracted to girls. I knew what bisexuality was from a young age. I thought it made sense. Mary introduced me to the pansexual label. I was drawn to the idea of being really explicit about being attracted to everyone regardless of gender. Bisexual isn't a wrong label but I think I'm more comfortable being a little more explicit about how I feel, in case anyone has even a shred of doubt," Lily said.

Remus was flummoxed. Lily snickered and shrugged at him.

"So you never struggled or anything?" Remus asked.

"As long as if by struggle you don't mean, getting called a slut or a whore or telling me to choose or that I'm really straight or really a lesbian or Severus Snape believing that his penis could turn me straight, then no, I've never struggled," Lily said with a sarcastic look on her face.

"Point taken. It's just… I'm so confused!" Remus said.

"Gonna need more details, babe," Lily said.

Remus groaned and rubbed the top of his head in frustration.

"I just don't know what label I'm supposed to use," Remus said.

"You don't have to have one you know. They don't, like, put it on your ID or anything," Lily said.

"I know that. But they make people happy and comfortable," Remus said.

"Well, OK. I mean… there's a lot of labels. Even I don't know them all and more labels continue to be created to define things that people are feeling. But we can start there… what do you feel? Let's break it down!" Lily said.

"I'm definitely attracted to men. Definitely," Remus said.

"So we can rule out straight. Nice. But in what way? There are different ways to be attracted to people," Lily said.

"All of the ways! All of them. God, I definitely am attracted to Sirius in every single possible way," Remus said, getting a rush from admitting that.

Lily smiled in apparent approval.

"So what about girls?" Lily asked.

"See, that's trickier. I'm not not-attracted to girls. I don't know…" Remus said.

"Do you like they idea of cuddling with girls?" Lily asked.

"I like cuddling with you. I guess you're the only girl I've ever been close enough to," Remus said.

"What about _kissing_ girls?" Lily asked, pursing her lips in a smile, her green eyes wide with amusement.

"I've never kissed any girls. I've never kissed anyone. How could I know if I've never done it?" Remus asked incredulously.

"Does it sound nice? If you picture it in your head," Lily said.

Remus closed his eyes. He tried to remember if he had kissed Lily in his dream. He couldn't recall much now. He pictured himself kissing various pretty girls he had known. It was nice to imagine but he didn't feel anything for them. Thinking of kissing Lily was better. He could be more comfortable with her.

"Yeah. I think so. It's not as exciting but if I really liked a girl it could be fun," Remus said.

"Sex?" Lily asked.

"Oh. Um. Uh…" Remus said, feeling himself turning red.

Lily giggled and Remus quickly pulled his shirt over his face to hide from embarrassment.

"Yeah. I think uh… same as the kissing," Remus continued, removing the shirt from his face.

"So generally physically and sexually attracted but mostly if you like them. Would you date a girl?" Lily asked.

Remus frowned.

"I don't know. Maybe. The truth is before Sirius I never thought about dating anyone. I liked the idea but I just assumed I was never going to be acceptable to anyone. Not that I even really understand dating and romance," Remus said.

"Dude, you write an epic romance fic! You seem to know a great deal," Lily said, playfully slapping him on the shoulder.

"I mean it's easy to write that stuff though, isn't it? It's not the same thing as having a real relationship. Look at you and James. You both like each other. You make out and sleep together without having sex but you both say you aren't exactly a couple. It's weird," Remus said.

"Heyyy, don't judge me, buster! But I get what you're saying. Things in real life are more complicated. There's nuance. James and I aren't a couple. We're in the process of becoming a couple. I like it. I like letting these little milestones happen. The sex thing is kinda practical. We have roommates and he's frequently busy with school and other things. And I have work and trying to carve out extra time when I can for Mary and Dorcas," Lily said.

"Yeah. That makes sense," Remus said.

"And I don't know… I kinda like that we haven't boned. There's all this anticipation. It's fun. Though, yeah, I'd kinda just like to screw his brains out too," Lily said snorted and laughed.

"Fair. Maybe Sirius and I could go out for a day. Give you and James a Sunday alone," Remus said with a big grin.

"Things seem full. You and I are going to Seattle for your birthday. Then they are going to San Francisco during spring break. James has already told me he's busy this weekend. Mary is supposed to visit some time this month. Work is sending her to Portland," Lily said.

"That's great. I miss her," Remus said.

"Me too," Lily said, a mixture of sadness and happiness on her face.

"We should go back to New Hampshire this summer. We could rent a cabin at a lake like we did two years ago. Get back to nature," Remus said with a smile.

"I need a beach. James was telling me about Cannon Beach. As soon as it's warm I want to absorb all of the sunlight into my flesh. I'm looking pretty pale," Lily said, frowning at her light brown skin.

"So, we were talking about my problem?" Remus said.

"Right! I don't know, Remus. Maybe just read about some labels. Try them on. It's like trying on clothes. Maybe you'll find one that fits just right. Maybe you'll find one that fits good enough for now. Or maybe clothes just aren't for you," Lily said then winked.

"I think I would get cold. I can't stand being cold," Remus said.

"That's fair," Lily said.

"OK. Guess I've got some Googling to do," Remus said, leaning over to hug Lily.

"Good luck," she said, patting him firmly on the back as he got up from the bed.

* * *

Sirius sat at the top of his bed, laptop on his belly. His earlier conversation with Remus had got under his skin. He had something like ten tabs open in Google Chrome all on queer definitions and labels.

Sirius looked for something that said _if you are only attracted to hot, reclusive attic-dwellers you're an attic-sexual, congrats!_ There were some pretty specific labels but none that were quite that specific. But the truth was that Remus was the first person who had ever stirred things up in him that way.

He'd never cared about dating. Sure, part of that was cynicism on his part. If everything just ended in pain, why bother? But he really had no interest. He didn't get crushes. He found people aesthetically interesting but he didn't dream about making out with them in the backseats of cars or whatever it was that horny teenagers got up to.

Despite his lack of interest in going out and finding sex, he still got horny, physically speaking. In fact, he got horny a lot. But he never thought about real people when he masturbated. He really didn't even think about himself. It was more like sexy stories in his head. It was nothing personal. It was just getting off.

But now there was Remus. Remus with his honey-brown hair and full lipped smile. The shy way he looked down at his feet and slowly grinned when he was embarrassed. The way his jeans fit him so marvelously. Sirius was completely confident he had never met anyone as sexy as Remus Lupin and the fact that Remus didn't realize how sexy he was only made him that much more desirable. Sirius could imagine himself showing Remus how sexy he was. He could show him just how he made Sirius feel with his very existence.

"Dammit," Sirius whispered, feeling arousal draining down into his core.

He let himself get distracted. But Remus Lupin was a good distraction. But still, no matter his fantasies the idea of sex and the reality of sex were two entirely different things. It didn't matter how horny he was, even if Remus knocked on his door and said _Take Me_ at that very moment, Sirius knew he couldn't do it. Not yet. There were some hurdles. He wasn't sure what they were but they had to be crossed.

Sirius wondered what made a person suddenly have sexuality and romantic desire spring forth out of nowhere. Certainly, he thought Remus was special but was he really so special that he could create desire where none existed before?

Sirius wondered why he never felt these things about James. James was definitely physically attractive. And he loved James more than he had ever loved anyone else. James was straight but loads of guys fall for straight dudes all the time, he thought. Maybe James just wasn't his type.

He found the idea of holding hands and snuggling with James sort of funny. Not repulsive… just funny. Romance floated up in the clouds but his friendship with James was firmly on the ground. He did wonder if James weren't so straight if that would change things. He supposed there was no real way of knowing.

Sirius clicked through his Chrome tabs. He found himself drawn to the terms demisexual and demiromantic. The closer he got to Remus the more real and pronounced his sexual feelings became. He could imagine a day when his feelings were strong enough that he might really want to give sex a try.

His feelings towards romance were similar. He wasn't ready to label or categorize his feelings for Remus just yet. It was more than just a friendly interest, that much was certain. He knew that he wanted to explore those feelings and find out what they might be.

Of course, neither of those terms described the sorts of people he was attracted too but he didn't think there was as much mystery there. He liked to fantasize about sexual situations involving all sorts of people and genders. Sirius sometimes wondered if he wouldn't like to watch other people have sex. Voyeurism they called it. Porn never really did much for him but the idea of really watching people going at it who had consented to being watched and didn't expect him to necessarily participate had some appeal.

Sirius sighed. He couldn't seem to stop from getting himself worked up. He thought maybe he should take it as a sign that he should take care of that situation then try to get some sleep. Tomorrow he would share his newfound self discovery with Remus.

* * *

There was a point at which you are tired enough and have been staring at a computer screen long enough that your eyes start to burn. Remus looked at the time. It was four thirty-five in the morning and he had reached that point at least three hours before.

He had found himself in deep rabbit holes of discussions on queer identities, discussion of acronyms and community labels and fighting over who did or didn't count as queer. The whole thing left him confused and none of the labels fit him just right.

He had stopped at midnight watch porn and masturbate, as much because he was curious than because he was horny. He couldn't get off to just anything but he could get off to a lot of things. Porn without men was definitely less interesting but it might've actually been the bisexual porn that was the most satisfying.

Now he was feeling burned out and hungry. He never ate dinner. He kept telling himself he would in just a minute. There was no way he was getting to sleep without eating something. He set his laptop aside and quietly went downstairs to the kitchen, wishing to be very careful not to wake anyone.

He was surprised to find the kitchen light on and sounds emanating from therein. He felt anxious but figured it was just Peter Pettigrew and his girlfriend getting up to something in his basement room.

Instead, he turned the corner and felt momentarily frozen. Lily was seated on the edge of the kitchen island, her legs wrapped around James Potter who was groping her chest and kissing her rather passionately.

"Oh. Remus!" Lily said, pulling her mouth away.

James yelped and jumped. Remus desperately tried to pry his eyes from James's groin but couldn't help stealing a glance before averting his eyes from the scene. James for his part turned away.

"Relax, you two. We're all grownups," Lily said.

"No, it's fine. I just didn't mean to ruin your moment," Remus apologized.

"I guess we got carried away," James said.

"I very deliberately got carried away," Lily said then playfully tapped James with one of her bare feet.

"Remus. Oh, hey guys," Sirius said, startling Remus.

"Shit," James said.

"What's up? I heard someone yelp," Sirius said.

"That was James. Remus scared him," Lily said.

"James, why are you standing off in the corner like you've just been punished?" Sirius asked.

"Use your imagination," James said.

"Oh. Oh! Awkward. Maybe we should leave these two-" Sirius started but was interrupted by Peter's basement door opening.

"Oh god, Pete," James said then walked around to the other side of the island, which covered him up to his waist.

"What's up? I do sleep in here you know," Peter said, sounding groggy.

"Sorry. James and I were trying to be quiet," Lily said.

"Oh. Huh. Well, what are you guys doing up?" the short, blond haired man inquired at Remus and Sirius.

"Noise startled me," Sirius said.

"I'm hungry. I forgot to eat," Remus said.

"Remus!" Lily said and hopped off the island then marched over to Remus, looking concerned.

"Yeah, I know," Remus said.

"I worry about you," Lily said, affectionately touching his face.

Remus smiled at her and sighed.

"I'm just gonna make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich then go back to bed," Remus said, heading over to the pantry.

James came back around from the island, his situation seemingly dissipated.

"I should probably go to bed. I've gotta be up in like… three hours. Oh god," James said with regret.

He walked out of the kitchen, stopping to give Lily a kiss and pat Sirius on the shoulder before heading upstairs.

"I'm," Peter said, yawned then finished, "going back to bed. Night guys."

"Me too. Night Remus. Lils," Sirius said.

Lily, however, came over to Remus, rubbing his back.

"Are you OK? Working on fanfic? I started work on my new Peggy/Angie story. I can't wait for you to read it," Lily said.

"No. I mean, yes, I'm fine. No, I haven't been working on fanfic. I was up late searching for labels. I can't find one that fits me. I'm definitely queer I just… can't find one particular word that suits how I feel. And I'm bothered by this idea that I'm only twenty and I have so much to learn about myself," Remus said, trying to keep his voice down.

"I mean… you can just call yourself queer. Lots of people do. Mary does now," Lily said.

"But isn't it a slur? I saw people arguing over that," Remus said.

"Of course it's a slur. It's a reclaimed slur. So is gay and loads of other words that people use for labels. If people want to reclaim slurs that's their business as long as they are part of that group. But it's been reclaimed for a long time," Lily said.

"Yeah, I saw stuff from the seventies online. It feels kind of powerful," Remus said with a smile.

"So try it out. If something better comes along you can always change later," Lily said, leaning a head on Remus's shoulder as he spread peanut butter on bread.

"Yeah. I'll do that. Thanks, Lils," Remus said.

"No problem. Well, I'm gonna go to bed and imagine what would've happened if I hadn't been interrupted while I was making out with a hot guy," Lily said, and sighed in a dreamy sort of way.

* * *

Sirius found James sitting on the back porch as the sun set above. He was sipping the freshly squeezed lemonade that Lily had made earlier that day.

"Hey," Sirius said as he sat down next to him.

"Hey. Sorry, I smell like a sweaty dog. The special project is… Ah screw it. I went and played soccer with a bunch of guys from school," James confessed.

"Aren't you supposed to not do that?" Sirius asked, scowling.

James shrugged.

"How am I supposed to go through life without living it? The real crime is that I didn't get more sleep," James said.

"Yes. Frolicking about if I recall," Sirius said, elbowing James.

"Piss off, man. Besides I'm not nearly doing as much frolicking as I would like," James said then laughed.

"Actually, I wanted to talk about that," Sirius said.

James's hazel eyes turned to Sirius with horror.

"What?" James gasped.

"No. Listen! I was just wondering… What's it like being straight?" Sirius asked.

James spit out lemonade them doubled over in laughter.

"I'm being serious," Sirius said

"Aren't you always?" James replied, still laughing.

Sirius rolled his eyes and shook his head but smiled.

"When you're done being an ass let me know," Sirius said.

"Oh, all right. What's it like being straight? I dunno. I've always just been attracted to girls," James said.

"All girls? What is it about girls?" Sirius said.

"I dunno. I never really thought about it before. Just… girls. Generally. I don't think I have a type. I suppose I do prefer them a bit feminine. On the other hand, I guess Petrova wasn't stereotypically feminine and we had a lot of fun," James said, looking nostalgic about his former arrangement with his friend Petrova Porskoff.

"Is it just cisgendered women?" Sirius asked.

"Had a crush on a trans girl when I was twelve. She was way out of my league, though. But no. Not just cisgendered women. Is there a point to this, or did you just feel like grilling me?" James asked playfully.

"It's just… on my mind. Remus went to his best friend and I decided I wanted to know what my best friend thought too. So we've established that all women are on the table. No interest in any men?" Sirius asked.

James shrugged.

"None in particular. I mean, sure, I'm not blind. I know a hot guy when I see one but I've never felt an urge to do anything with one. I'm not grossed out by it. Maybe if I was horny enough or something. They say sexuality is fluid. There's a spectrum or whatever. I figure anyone who says they are one hundred percent straight is fooling themselves," James said.

"What about non-binary people?" Sirius asked.

James shrugged.

"I've never really known any. I don't think I'd be closed to the possibility but I'd worry that if they knew I was straight and mostly was interested in women that they might…take me the wrong way. But the honest to God truth is that I would date anyone I was attracted to. I've never been attracted to a man but who is to say I never could be. I may be straight but not I'm narrow. Love is love and we all want it," James said.

"That's an astoundingly healthy attitude, James," Sirius said.

"Thanks. Any other probing questions?" James said.

"I'm thinking about quitting college after this semester," Sirius said.

"And doing what?" James said.

"I don't know. Photography but… I don't have a plan. But I don't think college is my way forward," Sirius said.

"You know I'll help you any way I can," James said, placing a hand on Sirius's shoulder.

"Thanks. Maybe I should accept that I have to climb from the bottom. I should get a job. Get a car. Starting taking small photography jobs when I can. Build a portfolio. The nearest photography school isn't near at all. I can't leave here now. I've never been as happy as I am now in this house with these people. If it weren't for Remus I wouldn't even be thinking about pursuing photography again," Sirius admitted, realizing he was shaking and his eyes felt hot.

"No one is going to make you do anything. You still have the rest of the semester ahead of you. You have time to figure things out. Have faith, my friend," James said.

"Thanks," Sirius said, placing a hand over James's.

* * *

 _Wanna hang out in the living room?_

 **Yeah.**

Sirius quickly pulled himself out of bed, stopping by the mirror to brush his hair before heading out to join Remus on the couch.

"Hey," Sirius said.

"Hey. So, I think I've decided to identify as queer. I can't find any particular label that describes how I feel and I think I have a lot to learn about myself. But I am emphatically _not_ straight," Remus said with a proud grin like he had just announced the doctor had just given him a clean bill of health.

"Sounds good to me. I think I'm demisexual. I didn't even know it was a thing. I always thought you either were sexual… or you weren't. It really is a comfort to know there are other people who feel like me," Sirius said.

"Demisexual. Yeah, I considered that one but I don't think it's accurate for me. Not exactly," Remus said.

"Fair enough," Sirius replied with a grin.

"I thought about my gender too. I think that one requires deeper thought and examination. I'm not sure I understand what it means to be a man or a woman. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. I've always presented myself in whatever way would draw the least amount of attention to myself. I like to be inconspicuous so strangers will leave me alone. Of course, being Korean that hasn't always worked out," Remus said weakly.

"Well, whatever gender you are I think you're pretty cool," Sirius admitted, feeling his heart begin to pound.

Remus smiled brightly, looking so very handsome.

"Thanks. Y-You're pretty cool too," Remus replied, his dark eyes avoiding Sirius as he said it.

Sirius had an urge to do something. He wanted to touch Remus's face or hold his hand. He wanted to show him affection in some sort of new way but he lost his nerve. Instead, he scooted a little closer to Remus and turned on the television.

"Watch something?" Sirius asked.

"Please," Remus said and loaded Netflix.


End file.
